Remember the saying? Comparisons are odious …
Odious – [adjective] extremely unpleasant; repulsive.
Oxford English Dictionary
and it’s yet another great word disappearing from our English language although it really feels and sounds like it’s meaning.
But I digress (I know, you’re used to that), because today I really want to challenge the idea that the majority of women over 55 are often unable to do anything, say anything, get dressed in the morning or even cook breakfast, without having to compare themselves to someone else.
What is that?
We all do it on some level or another.
Many are quick to come out with victim statements such as “Well of course she’s going to be successful. She has a beautiful home, an expensive car and a husband providing financial support. She doesn’t have to struggle for anything”.
Wait… isn’t that praising someone else though? Nope!
There’s a subtle yet real put down in saying those sorts of things.
If you really think about it, it’s only possible to say these sorts of things if you are unconsciously comparing “she” to yourself!
So what you are really saying is “I can’t do it because … ” I have no backing; financial or otherwise, my partner is a lazy good for nothing, my children need my full support, my job doesn’t pay me what I’m worth. You get the idea.
This is probably one of the great examples of a comparison you hear with mature people. And it is most certainly odious!
I seriously can’t think of a better way to put yourself down and make yourself feel less than significant.
Are You Doing This to You?
Let’s imagine … well actually you probably don’t have to imagine, because you are amazing.
You do something fabulous. Even you know it’s fabulous, and yet … at some nasty deep down “niggly” level, you feel it’s not enough and a voice pops into your head … “Jennifer did it last year and it was so much better. Why do you bother trying to compete?”
But how much of this “niggly” stuff is your perception of the truth and how much is the actual truth?
That kind of comparison is sabotaging to the soul and a big trap. So why would we possibly use comparison with others to assess our own worth?
Comparisons can be Good or Bad
There’s this thing known as a social comparison theory. It happens when we compare ourselves to others to try and evaluate ourselves.
What researchers found is that in certain situations comparison can be good. It can reinforce your self-esteem and help you feel better about yourself.
However they also found that comparison can also have a damaging effect. Our self-esteem plummets and we make ourselves feel inadequate. Creating a hard-to-overcome Inferiority Complex.
An Inferiority Complex (which was recognised in 1907), is no longer recognised as a condition in modern psychiatry, but it is a mindset that causes considerable distress and unfortunately is alive and well..
Nothing feeds an Inferiority Complex quite as well as social media. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter et al provide us with a continuous supply of material to use to compare ourselves with others.
Our attempts to compete have little to do with emulating our neighbours any more. In-person interactions with friends, family, coworkers and others are becoming less significant now that we have social networks.
Now, we’re trying to emulate and compare to people on the net. And we all know how “fake” that is.
Warning Signs that Comparisons Aren’t Doing You Any Favours
The most common signs to watch out for are:
- Feeling insecure – your social status feels like it might be lower than you thought, or under attack from others
- Feeling incomplete – “imposter syndrome” comes in here; you are somehow not measuring up to a standard of some type – real or imagined
- Feeling unworthy – you think you don’t belong or are being given status you don’t deserve
- Prefer to withdraw – when you can, you choose to avoid activities and social situations
- Feeling hostile – feel hostility towards yourself or others, and people around you think you’re being unreasonable
- Feeling unidentifiable frustration – you feel frustrated and can’t work out why, there seems to be no reason for the way you feel
- Feeling spontaneously nervous – out of the blue you feel nervous or agitated and don’t know why, can pop up even when you are resting or relaxing
- Experience feelings of aggression – a situation, event or person triggers feelings of aggression for no explainable reason
- Unable to finish things – you hesitate, second-guess yourself and can’t seem to complete something, anything
- Embarrassing over-confidence – to hide your personal flaws you over compensate; bragging, showing-off and potentially stretching the truth way too much
- Experience insomnia – your mind keeps whirring over comparisons with others making it difficult to get to sleep; in sleep you have nightmares
How to Move to a Well-balanced Self-perception
To say “stop making these comparisons” is really easy … but entirely impossible.
The science is in … we’re human and can’t help it!
So what can we do? First learn a little about Upward and Downward comparisons so that you can identify how you are using comparisons.
Then set yourself on the path of self comparison. Compare yourself to YOU … and go on a journey of making yourself slightly better every single day.
Before I finish, nothing about dealing with low self-esteem nothing is complete without some STRESS relievers. So we have a 3 small items that may help get you from being “in a bit of a hole” to starting your journey of self comparison … Stress Balls, Happy Pills and Rescue Remedy …
